The Man Code

There are certain things in life that have “unwritten rules”. You never took a course in high school on these things, you learned them from social experience. From what I can tell, these cods vary by gender. For example, Man Code in a public bathroom is FAR different than Woman code. You already know what I am saying. If we were out at dinner and I mentioned I had to go to the restroom, and looked at the other guy with us at dinner and said something like “do you wanna come?” Awkwardness would emerge as thick as a winter blanket, with no obvious escape route. Dudes don’t pee together, and if they do happen to both need to relieve themselves say after a ballgame, you don’t talk to each other while taking care of business. It’s Man Code. If a woman at dinner had to go to the ladies room and asked the accompanying female if she needed to go, they would both hop up and walk off and no one would even give it a second thought. What goes on in there, I have no idea. Perhaps there is an ongoing contest that guys are not privileged to be aware of. Sort of like words-with-friends, but only for women, and only in public bathrooms. For example:

(warning: this would fall under the immature category)



See, perhaps that is just one example of the mystery behind female public restrooms. Perhaps there is a running total that guys aren’t even aware of. It’s just a part of the Women Code. There’s an App for that.

There is a similar man code that all guys follow. We are all aware of if, except a few socially dysfunctional guys who were apparently absent in grade school when this seminar was given. Thos rare confluences of social ineptitude breaking the man code are moments of pure agony, and so long as you are not the one, who’s man code is being violated, it can be pure awesomeness.

Just such an occurrence is the point of this post.

Now for those who are unfamiliar with the inner workings of a Men’s public restroom, we have fewer stalls for…well, we have less battle stations. We will just leave it at that. We instead usually have a wall of urinals. This is where man’s glorious ability to pee standing up plays out every day. Now here is the thing. There is a process by which a Urinal is selected. I am sure there are mass studies on Population behavior in some university of higher learning that can put this decision making process into an equation were “x” equals the number of urinals, and “n” equals the number of urinals being attended to, and the square root of “y” over “a” is the mathematical probabilities of the number of arrangements possible between “x” and “n”. However, like physics defining an equation for what a pencil falls when you let go of it, dudes, do this math in like .25 nanoseconds of observation of “x” and “n”. After many years of practice, we all become experts. There are a few rules to this.

Let’s use my work set up as a point of demonstration. We have a wall of 4 urinals. I’d say 80 % of the time, you go in and enjoy the privilege of a good “stand and pee” (sorry ladies) in the peace and tranquility of the sound of liquid hitting porcelain. Perhaps another 15% of the time, you show up while one person is already there. See now it is a bit like chess. Depending on how player one made is initial selection, you have certain decision. If the first player selected the farthest urinal leaving the three adjacent urinals free, you would likely select the furthest one from the first player. I two urinal spread is ideal. If however, the furthest urinal is made for potty training and is about ankle high, you are allowed to move one over and use the man height one, so long as you are looking straight down and focus on the task at hand. 1 urinal gap is acceptable. What is not acceptable is when player 2 decided he wants to use the urinal right next to player 1 when there are 2 other perfectly functional urinals that allow for the 1 or 2 gap urinal. This is a violation of the man code. Another example might be if the first player chooses the 3rd urinal. By rule number 1, this eliminates the 4th and the 2nd urinal. Your option becomes easy. Urinal 1. It can be a little awkward if urinal one happens to be one of those potty training ones since you voluntarily chose to pee into the training urinal when 2 perfectly good man urinals were available. This is a sacrifice that is necessary in order to avoid violating rule 1 of urinal spacing, and keeping the man code intact.

I figure you are getting the picture at this point.

To drive my point home here, you can imagine that when bathroom designers don’t consider the man code, things like this are bound to happen:

So all of that brings me to this; on some random insignificant day I made this journey to the men’s room, ready to make those split second decisions on which urinal I was going to deposit my ice tea from lunch into. As it turned out, I was player 1. I chose urinal 4 so in the event that someone else came by, they had an easy decision. Sure enough, player 2 came along, and chose urinal 2. Again, no issues, man code intact, continue as normal. Sure enough, Player 3 came along. Now Player 3 had a difficult decision to make in my book. As he entered however, I could tell something was a bit wrong. He entered the bathroom in a celebratory congratulations mood as if World War 2 and just ended. In a loud bellowing tone he greeted someone else at eh hand washing sinks, and after brief “how do you do’s” proceeded to the urinal bank. Now timing had a bit to do with this. As he came to the urinals to make his selection, myself and player 2 were still occupying urinals 4 and 2 respectively. He decided to choose urinal 1 about the time that I was finished and departing for the sinks. This unfortunate timing left player 2 having the slight sense of having his man code been violated. What happened next was unexpected. Player 3 slapped player 2 on the back like they were old buddies from college and struck up a conversation. As I passed I smirked at the awkward awesomeness about to take place, because if there was a question as to whether or not the man code was violated by urinals election, there was no question that touching and talking were WAY past the man code limit. As I washed my hands, the following conversation took place:

P3: “Hey! I haven’t seen you in forever man! It’s been way too long, what have you been up to?”

P2: “eh, just work.” (clearly, he was hoping this conversation would stop as soon as possible and was trying to finish up, but you know, you can’t stop mid-stream, it burns!)

P3: “That’s cool. Say, don’t you have a few kids? Didn’t you just recently have a daughter?”

P2: “yeah” (again, I can only sense the immense panic as the conversation continues and he scrambles to try and get out of this situation)

P3: “How is your daughter?”

P2: (at this point player 2 is so flustered that he probably isn’t thinking straight, and can’t understand what horrible thing he did to deserve this unending embarrassment…so I forgive him for his response…) “Well, she’s not retarded.”
P3: (clearly aghast at this answer) “What the hell is that supposed to mean?!”

Meanwhile, I am almost rolling on the floor and gasping for air as this all unfolds. I couldn’t make this sort of thing up.

P2: “uh…she’s, you know, healthy” (he has finally gotten to a point of seeing the light at the end of this horrible tunnel and is way more interested at getting out of here)

P3: “yeah, but man, you can’t say that though!”

At this point I left because Player 2 had escaped “peegate”. As I left, I heard Player 2, say…

P2: “well, you know, I’m glad she is healthy, good talking with ya, gotta get back to work and all”

P3: “yeah, sure.” (still clearly unaware of the man code violation)

These are the moments in question.
Violation of the Man code can cause unnecessary distress.
It’s just not necessary.

Please people, adhere to your respective gender code, and women; good luck in your conquests inside the women’s restroom. May victory be swift and decisive.

Jon